For the most part, females are territorial individuals and it does not take much for them to register you as an immediate enemy.
Here’s an example, if you dated their exes sisters cousins dentists neighbour, that’s it. It does not take much for you to be on the bitch list.
Or, if you look at them the wrong way. They’re like gorillas. But worse. And less furry.
However, with a magical substance, known to us mere mortals as alcohol, everything changes in the blink of an eye. Or the suck of a lemon, post tequila. Take your pick.
Enter a bathroom sober? It’s awkward eye contact in the mirror while you’re pretending to wash your hands by running them under the water (don’t lie, we only do it when we’re under pressure).
Enter a bathroom DRUNK? Prepare to find out just how pretty you are.
“Oh…My…God…I LOVE YOUR DRESS”
“I LOVE YOUR SHOES”
“YOU’RE LIKE MY NEW BEST FRIEND, I SWEAR”
“YOU. ARE. SO. PRETTY”
Easy there Malibu Barbie, I just came in here for a sweet release of the 8 whiskey sours I’ve knocked back in the past 45 minutes. I am sweaty. And I need some breathing room. Why do you smell like coconut? Do I smell like coconut? Probably not.
If the world was run by drunk women, and World Nations meetings convened in the sticky bathroom of a local bar, we would be far better off.
There would just be a lot of hair touching, and an excessive amount of inter-nation selfies.
No wars. No famine. Because everyone would dance to the Top 5 hits of the week remixed in 37 different ways, go get some poutine, and call it a day.
I’d have to say, my personal favourite was the girl who was shaving her legs in the bathroom at the club. “I didn’t think I was gonna get laid tonight, but I am now so desperate times call for desperate measures”. Now THAT, people, is a scavenger. That’s the kind of woman we need running our country… if not our WORLD. Making the tough calls in drastic situations. I like it. Hell, if she had another razor I would have done the right leg while she did the left… Us girls gotta stick together. As I said, we are not gorillas and it is not in our nature to be furry.
Somewhere around 11:30AM, when you’re fast asleep in your best friend’s bathtub, and awake to an overwhelming desperation for a blue Gatorade and some scrambled eggs, we slip slowly back into the real world.
And Malibu Barbie would see you on the street and scoff because you dated her exes sisters cousins dentists neighbour.